I am still there, under neon lights waiting for I’m sorry
Soaked through every layer
I hear your excuses, 
they should break me
But they fall on deaf ears
of the girl who is too hopeful to leave

I am still there waiting for apologies
On the sidewalk where Panic 
wrapped its hands around my neck
You just watched it squeeze
My gasps fell on deaf ears
of the friend 
who placed the weight solely on
me

I am still there waiting to give my apology
In the parking lot of the movie theatre
When I pretended not to notice
what you were asking
The cracking of your armor fell on deaf ears–
that one was on me.

—

The thing about writing is that sometimes things spill out in an unexpected season. When that happens, I have to take a step back and observe from the outside. Is this true? If it is true, do people need to read it?

I sat on this poem for a long time asking these questions. The conclusion I came to was that it was true and there was some value in others reading it. Because what it revealed was that the pain we carry from relationships is usually two-sided. We are hurt, we are angry, we are seeking some kind of resolution. But we also are guilty, remorseful, ashamed. When we can admit that, we can start to accept that as much as we want them to apologize, it is often equally as difficult for us to own our part. 

I’m still learning how to own my faults—the things I should or shouldn’t have done. I am still learning how to put things on a level playing field. I think we are all still learning how to wait for and give apologies.