I can’t believe I’m about to write this post. Mostly because it’s absolutely ridiculous, but also because the content, of course, took place at Panera.
Jordan and I had dinner at my life’s most entertaining place. It’s like the Dixie Stampede, but for a fourth of the price. Dinner and a show. You really can’t beat it for $9.00. There we are, eating our dinner and catching up on life as sisters do when I noticed a couple that came and sat down behind us. I don’t know why, but from the first second I saw them, I was completely drawn to them. I knew that whatever was about to go down was going to be something blog worthy and fortunately, I was so right.
I’m not sure if it was the fact that the guy was wearing the ugliest flip flops on earth with dress slacks that first drew me to him, but there was just something about him that made me want to watch and listen carefully. But really, I didn’t have to, because he was speaking loud enough for our half of the restaurant to hear his conversation without having to strain in the least. He was with a normal looking girl who was, in my opinion, admirably cute and appeared to be warm and friendly. As they sat down to dinner, it took maybe five minutes before Jordan and I both looked at each other wide eyed and with hands over our mouths.
Flip Flops: “So, like this morning, I was in the shower and I almost had to call 911.”
Cute Girl: “Oh no, why?”
Flip Flops: “Sunburn. I mean I literally could not get out of the shower for like five seconds without nearly screaming in pain.”
(insert: the guy was not even a little bit pink OR tan…)
Flip Flops: “So, I decided to run really really fast out of the shower, grab my phone, dial 911 and then jump back in the shower. But then I realized my door was locked, so I was wondering how they would get in my apartment and I knew if they busted the door down (for sunburn, mind you) then my roommate might get upset.”
Cute Girl: “mmhmm”
Flip Flops: “So I jumped out to go unlock my door and grab my phone, but by the time I reached my bed I just fell over. I couldn’t go any further.”
Now, at this point, Jordan and I are seriously having to stuff our mouths with food to keep from laughing out loud. The whole time I am shaking my head and thinkingthree weeks ago I was so sunburned that I wept and sat in balsamic vinegar and still have the blister marks on my stomach to prove it… did I call 911 or even CONSIDER it an option? NO!
It was then that I realized why women are the ones who bear children.
So, while we are eating and trying not to look too obvious that we are wrapped up in this “date” or “awkward encounter” he then proceeds to explain how he, in all his fashionable glory, is (and I quote) “the central hub of his family.” While Jordan nearly spit soup in my face, I had to turn away as he proceeded to say “I was always the favorite because of all my family, I am the cutest.” Woah. Yes, that really just happened. Without taking a breath, he then leans in and asks her, “So, how long were you homeless?”
That’s when it got real strange and Jordan let out an extremely loud laugh and I had to shove the remainder of my bread bowl in my cheeks. Clearly, it’s not funny that this girl was homeless, but the fact that he just so bluntly said that as he handed her his pocket BUTCHER knife (that was so big it could have been classified a sword) to cut her apple. She explained that it was some point while she was in high school. You want to know his one and only question about her homeless experience? “How did you take a shower?” Which in flip-flop translation probably meant “if you had ever gotten sunburned, how would you have survived the agony?” She answered that she took showers at school. He was extremely shocked that a school would have showers because he apparently attended a private school where he was excused from P.E. because he was temporarily blinded by a sports accident. (Which I’m still not 100% sure I believe) Anyway, I wasn’t sure how that related to her being homeless, but he seemed to think it was relevant.
As she continued to chop her apple and listen to him talk about how he is now peeling and severely itching, I wondered how she was continuing to peel and eat the apple when I was starting to feel my bread bowl return with a vengeance. But it was when he made the statement that he always found it interesting to look at cellulite and how he found it odd that more men don’t have it that Jordan and I found ourselves so equally mortified and entertained that we had to quickly gather our belongings and run out the door before we embarrassed ourselves, thus making ourselves a spectacle and possibly blog material for some other person who knows that when in Panera, you will always find something worth sharing with the world.
Maybe I’m a little judgmental. Possibly a little too easily entertained. But mostly, I’m just honest. People who talk at high volume levels and put themselves on display should know that other people are going to find it hard to resist. If you leave the house in slacks and flip flops, be prepared that someone (most likely a writer) is going to be so intrigued by your odd choice that they are going to know without a doubt that you are going to be entertaining to observe. Call it what you will, I call it curiosity and raw life. This is the world we live in and the Panera we eat at.