The older I get, the more I realize that I am completely unable to see gray. I am a black & white kind of girl. It’s either wrong or it’s right, I’m either all in or giving nothing at all. Most times in my life, that kind of thinking has served me well. Still, it can make for a stubborn person, and often times when things are not going the way I think they should, I become so much more frustrated than the average person.
When I think something is best or I desire something, I race forward full speed, ready to do what’s necessary to make things fall in line. Often times, I forget… and today I was reminded that my choices are no longer my own. I gave up my free will thirteen years ago. What I do now, doesn’t just affect me or the people in my sphere of influence; it affects the world. Because when I agreed to carry His name, to carry my cross next to Him, I chose to fall in line with His will, which has set me here on this earth during this particular time for a specific purpose. A purpose that is designed to change the world. What I do from this point on affects my destiny, affects my communities and the outcome of more than what I am qualified to try and shape. That’s why I gave up my ability to choose, because I came to the realization that His choices are better than mine. So, when I’m angry because I’m not getting what I want, I must remember that I gave up my rights and gave him permission to do it for me. There’s only one choice I get to make now and that is to choose obedience, but as far as the big things are concerned, I’ve given those over and that desire that lives deep in my Spirit to please Him overrules my current cravings and momentary desires. He does not respond to the selfish cries that say “Father, I want this and this and I want it because it’s what looks best to me.” Rather, He continues to listen to the prayers I’ve prayed all my life that were in line with those of Jesus himself, those that say, “Your will be done. May You be glorified. May I live a life that changes the world for You.” because He knows that is the true desire of my heart.
Today, we’re reminded that He came. I’m grateful that He still comes. Whenever I forget how to stand, when I get frustrated because things aren’t working, He reminds me that my choice to let Him have my life all those years ago was the reason that He came. Because He saw my need to be saved. Today, I’m really thankful for that.