Why I Won’t Pursue a Man

Relationships and opinions about them are sticky.

People get passionate and everyone has an opinion. I think it’s something that we all work out, a choice that is ours to make. I can’t and don’t judge anyone’s personal journey, or the way they feel like God calls them to pursue romance.

As for me, I can state this (after much wrestling and questioning):

I can not and will not pursue a man.

Feminism is becoming a common doctrine of our world, and because of it, there is a question of whether or not women can approach a man in the way that they’ve been forbidden to in the past.

I’m not going to answer that for humanity. But as for me, I have one desire:

I want the (and yes, I said “the”) man that God has for me. God cares for the birds, so I believe that He intimately cares about my husband. He is sovereign over that. I believe that, I’ve prayed for that and I live my life trusting for that.

My entire life, I’ve wanted a man whose life is committed and unquestionably sacrificed to Jesus. I want a dead man, whose own life means nothing to Him, who doesn’t want a Sunday morning Jesus, but is branded by the very God who has wrecked my entire life.

And, yes, we’re going to be equal.

We deserve the same privileges and respect, we are both fully human and should be loved and valued equally. But there’s an order, a way that the Bible calls me to be. It says that I will be submissive, it says that my husband will love me as Christ loves the church.

To be submissive appears to be contrary to everything that makes sense to me. I’m independent, opinionated, passionate, argumentative. But if someone loves me sacrificially, unconditionally, I can (and want to) submit to that.

The problem is, we don’t trust men to love us as Christ loves the church. In a lot of ways, that makes sense. They’re imperfect, they mess up, they aren’t Jesus. No one will love me like Jesus, this is something that I must accept.

But my husband’s desire will be to love me in that way. My desire (though it won’t always happen) will be to submit.

I want that to start as soon as I meet him, as soon as the pursuit begins.

If I want a man that loves me, the way Christ loves the church, then that’s going to point me toward this belief:

Christ came for his church. He chose me, I did not choose Him.

I was the responder. Yes, I got a choice. I was given the right decide whether or not I wanted to enter into that relationship. AND I knew what God’s intentions were toward me in that relationship (and if I didn’t, I was free to ask!)

But He found me, He chose me, He came for me.

I want a husband, a man, who has that quality stained in the core of his heart, his behavior, his choices.

I can submit to that. I can say “yes” to that. And it might surprise you, but I feel respected, equal, free, and valued in that.

Feminists everywhere might nail me to a cross. That’s fine, I’ll loan you my hammer. This is something I am willing to put my life up for. This is something that I will not compromise. This is because it is one of the biggest decisions I will ever make. The man I marry will be my partner, my advocate, my leader. He will be the father of my children. He will need to be responsible, he will need to be bold and he will need to know what he wants and how to pursue it.

When we are ninety, I will wipe the drool from his cheek, bathe him, feed him mashed potatoes. And he will sit with me when I’m frail, he will pray with me, he will still stand up to fight for me…(even if he knows the other guy could take him).

I want someone stronger than me. And if that’s the hammer I hand you, the thing that makes you call me old fashioned, weak, or irrelevant…well, I’ve been called a lot worse.

You don’t have to agree with me. You don’t have to believe that this is the path for your life, I’m not telling you it is. This is me, this is what I’ve chosen, and these are my reasons.

All of them because I fell in love with a man, with holes in his hands, who comes, fights for, and pursues his bride.

I want my life to mirror that on this earth. On earth, if I ever get married, I’m going to be a bride; so, I don’t want to, at any point, act like the groom.

60 thoughts on “Why I Won’t Pursue a Man”

  1. Thank you for helping me inch a little closer to defining my thoughts on feminism/culture/following Jesus. “I want someone stronger than me.” I’ve literally been thinking/praying that phrase lately. And I don’t say that lightly, because I am a strong (and strong-willed) person. But I want someone in whom I’ve met my match. What if equality is actually accomplished by following the pattern of “husband loves and sacrifices for wife, wife submits to husband”?? Crazy thought!! 😉
    ❤ always.

    1. I like what you said “husband loves and sacrifices for wife, wife submits to husband.” It makes it a perfect unison. Husband does for wife and wife does for husband, working together in harmony with always the other person in mind. That should be the ultimate goal in a marriage.

  2. Totally understand where you’re coming from on this. However my process ended a little differently when I realized that I was in essence looking for God in a human form. I wanted my future husband to be all the things for me that I will only ever find in Jesus, because He’s the perfect “stronger than me”. To put another human under the expectations I have for Jesus isn’t honoring in viewpoint because then they can never measure up. In realizing that Jesus and my husband will never be the same, I’ve gained a freedom to view men (and potential future husbands) as just that – men. They can make mistakes and be imperfect too and when someday I am married, all I really want is someone who is radically committed to Jesus, but if that’s the case, then everything else will fall into line.

    1. Alaina, I agree with your view on expectations. Which is why I put the lines in there about how no one can ever fully love me like Jesus does. Thanks for reiterating that point, it is true that none of us can ever measure up to him. Thanks for reading and commenting!

    2. This is the Holy truth and my desire for my husband to be!! And yes I am willing to wait for God Father’s time and His choice for me for a husband!

  3. I really like what you wrote. But I’m confused because I don’t see the other side taken into account. Love is a two-way street. Just as Christ pursued you, He pursued the man you will someday marry. Logically, this man could use the same argument to say that he wants you to pursue him like Christ pursues him. Biblically speaking, a man is a leader of a household, but pursuing goes both ways.

    1. Maddy, you’re right. Once you’re in a committed relationship, it is a two way street of pursuit. My desire is to always respond to the love of Christ and his pursuit with genuine love and pursuit. I meant this to be more focused toward the dating portion of things.

      1. I feel you make it seem like God can only act through men though. What if you saw a stranger who didn’t notice you, and that feeling of Jesus and the Lord called you to this stranger? Would you ignore the Lord’s wisdom simply based on your human interpretation of the Bible?

      2. In the sense of getting to know another person or a stranger, not at all. I’m referring to pursuing a man in terms of marrying him… not getting to know someone.

  4. You should check out a book called “As Christ Submits to the Church.” You should also do some reading on the Virgin Mary–talk about an empowering figure for women!

  5. Wow… and we wonder why “christian” dating is so borked. Really, the modern state of Christianity in general, but I digress.

    First, opening a conversation or showing initial interest isn’t “acting like a groom”. It’s being HUMAN. You know, communication is a two-way street? Coffee isn’t a commitment? Saying hi isn’t a four letter word? (btw, neither is saying “I like you”)

    And, I suppose you’re reserving the right to refuse a romantic pursuer, right? You’ve got a list of criteria that you’re judging him against (Hmm, is he “sold out” enough… does he “love Jesus” enough….etc) and so by *making* him the pursuer… you actually step into the role of authority at the VERY BEGINNING of the relationship. Not an equal ground of “Hey, let’s see if this works between us” .. no. You’ve demanded any potential romantic suitor come plainly present himself for inspection to be determined if he is deemed worthy (by you) to be a suitor. And here… you just said you didn’t want to be the guy’s role in the relationship. I mean, I don’t wanna pull out the dreaded “H” word (that’s “Hypocrite”) but dang… did you see what just happened?

    Guess what, YOU just set the tone for the relationship. You, as the woman (wife), installed yourself as the arbiter and judger of the “fitness” of the man (husband). Whether you assumed that role purposely or unknowingly… the fact is, you did. He played to your fiddle at first, and he will continue to be expect to play to your fiddle through the rest of the relationship. Bet you’re the type to laugh appreciatively when the ladies in your groups say “Happy wife, happy life…!” with a knowing look to each other.

    And this is the nature of relationship dynamics. Unless you become open to the same risks as he is (i.e. pursuit and rejection)… you aren’t equal. And puhlease spare the tortured theology of equating the dating process to “Christ and his church”. Do you REALLY know how ….gah.. *uneducated*… in the Bible that makes you sound? Christ was lifted up to draw ALL men to himself (whoops… can you discard that “God has only ONE man for me” now?). So unless you’re looking for the one guy that ALL women are after, you’ve got a theological problem from the start. Second, rejecting Christ is an act of selfishness.. so.. in essence.. if you’re holding to this “Dating theology” then you’re obligating to marry the first guy who walks up to you with a Bible and says “I want to marry you”. Because otherwise, you’re acting in selfishness to reject the offer of “like Christ”. Now, I don’t believe for a moment you actually believe that nor would you obligate yourself to marry the first guy who demanded it. But stop the charade that there is some corollary between DATING and salvation. The Bible speaks of husbands and wives as Christ and the church… not Boyfriends and Girlfriends as Christ and .. well I don’t even know what you’d equate that to (but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be compared to it… and neither would I).

    Really, go back and read over this through the eyes of a guy who is looking at these EXTREMELY unrealistic notions and try to be objective about how haughty… how arrogant they sound. Oh sure, cloaked in some nice Bible-speak… you’d make a cult proud. But it’s rubbish. Oh, I’m sure you’ll find a man too… who probably only reads his Bible through the biased lenses of whatever book-writing person you’re admiring these days (Has Josh Harris finally exited the christian rave?… please God say yes and spare future generations that clownish buffoonery).

    It’s sad to say, but it’s easier to find a kind and accepting atheist female these days than a Christian one. And plenty of “good” former church-going but now disillusioned guys are finding them. Maybe it also has to do with how many of those pious “I’m looking for the ONE” Christian girls who.. 5-10 years later are divorcing their (now determined to NOT be the “one”) husbands. Christianity’s dirty little secret? Maybe, but oh so real. But if you can convince yourself you missed God’s “one”.. then it’s not hard to start overlooking other things in the Bible like “honor your vows”. After all, the church today is quite accepting of single, divorced women and their (never their fault) sob stories. But again, I digress. Seriously though, you should do a study on why divorce has become so prevalent in the modern church. Find out what those girls thought going into marriage… I bet they weren’t so far off from you. They’ve just got 10 years on you.

    Maybe instead of focusing on how to sanctimoniously steal the pants in the relationship from the git-go, you should write about why “christian” guys aren’t really being interested in “christian” girls. Oh wait, dozens and dozens of angsty 18-mid-30’s something single Christian female bloggers already are … as my FB newsfeed never lets me forget. Funny I don’t see the same number of articles from those “missing” Christian guys…. curious, no?

    Christian dating. You’re doing it wrong.

    1. Blupin,

      I wanted to be offended at your post. I really did. I tried to muster it up, I tried to get really angry and I just couldn’t.

      And it wasn’t because I think you’re right. It wasn’t because I think you’re wrong. It was because somewhere I got lost in the middle of your comment and thought, “we get so easily offended at someone else’s opinions that we forget love. We forget the most important part. We get busy screaming our theology, that we forget that we don’t know that person, or their life, or how they got to the place they’re at. We forget that we aren’t Jesus and we can’t see the whole picture.”

      You are right about something though. Initial conversations aren’t commitment. And there’s nothing wrong with initiating coffee. (GASP… I’ve done that!) But I don’t pursue men in dating ways. It’s as simple as that. I communicate with them. I tell them how I feel about something. I don’t pursue them.

      The truth is, I don’t think anyone has to take my life as their theology, (in fact, I’d strongly discourage it!) I’m not writing a book telling women to “COPY ME! DO WHAT I DO.” I’m telling you what I think is truth for my life. I’m telling you about the man of Jesus–that I know and my personal relationship with him. The one who taught me about waiting, the one whose leadership is perfect.

      I wrote this 100% certain that people would be offended. And I’m okay with that.

      I’m sorry that your perception of Christian women is where it is. I’m sorry that somewhere along the way it all got communicated so poorly that you only heard the words, and entirely missed the heart. I wish I could change that. But a comment on a blog post just won’t do all I wish it could.

      The truth is that you have a right to think and feel what you do. I have that same right. And I appreciate that even in your anger, you said what you believed in. You have an opinion. You’re passionate about it—and that is something I can raise a fist to and cheer on.

      Happy wife–happy life? No, not so much. Divorce? Well, my marriage won’t be perfect, but I’ll pray for God’s grace to love, to stay, to do the hard things. I’ll depend on him for that, not me.

      1. I get you Ash, 200%. I believe the more we let Holy Spirit leads us the right the path we will take. As a lady i wouldnt either want to pursue a man(unless God tell me too…which kinda sounds weird to me). As Jesus is the groom and he chose me not me choosing him i truly will wait on him. i dnt mean to sit just but if a man shows up then i will follow the leading of the Spirit and if he is the one for me then he will surely pursue me and i believe my heart then will be ready. So i get you alot because that is also my principle.

    2. This is pretty spot on. I used to have very similar views as the author, but I began to see through the Christian illusion shortly before meeting my very patient, wonderful husband. Years later I’m still recovering from my former beliefs and can’t believe he’s put up with the unfair standards I unknowingly held him against. I’d say at least 85% of our “issues” or relationship difficulties have been caused by my brainwashed, misinformed, well-intentioned but entirely ignorant (former) Christian self.

      Obviously I’m not saying this will be the case for the author. Just sharing my own experience as it offers an alternative perspective from someone who used to share this one.

      1. Nicole, thanks for your sharing your view and experiences in a loving way. Your comment is very appreciated and your view very respected.

    3. Your comment seems like a major overreaction and/or a misunderstanding of the intents and mentality of the OP (in my reading, which might obviously be imperfect).

      Her take may be considered old fashioned or, paradoxically, somewhat demanding, but there is nothing inherently wrong with it.

      Consider statements like “I was the responder. Yes, I got a choice. I was given the right decide whether or not I wanted to enter into that relationship. AND I knew what God’s intentions were toward me in that relationship (and if I didn’t, I was free to ask!) But He found me, He chose me, He came for me.”. This does not match my own preferences (disclaimer: I am a man), but I can certainly see how someone might have similar preferences for a partner. (Assuming, obviously, that they do not go down the spoiled-princess path of “I deserve X! Why is there no-one worthy of me! [etc]”.)

      As an aside, very many women have similar preferences, in that they like a man who takes charge, prefer being the one to be picked up, etc. However, this does not necessarily imply that the woman is passive or in an inferior role. For instance, many take-charge guys are keen on pleasing their women and the women often are the ones with more influence due to this. When a man tries to pick-up a woman, this is quite often just the last step of a process that she initiated. Etc.

    4. I have two teens – a boy and a girl – and it has definitely become a societal norm for girls to be the pursuers, the aggressors in relationships. And as a result, honestly, we have a generation of wimps. People ask me how we “fend off the boys” around our daughter. Ironically, it is our son who has been pursued (to his dismay). I read this with that in mind – and applaud the author for being brave enough to say so! Women have a tendency to want to take over, so when young women are willing to say, “I could be in charge, but I would rather you to take the lead,” that is the very model of submission. Hope there are some real, godly men out there who are up for the challenge – the next generation depends on it!!

    5. I get it man. I do. I am running the danger of white knighting here…Where to start? Apart from theology, nature. Unfortunately in most cases the male “presenting himself for inspection” is precisely what we must do. Birds have to sing and dance for a mate, or build elaborate nests(Bower birds) and others have to fight other males some times to the death. Because mating is so much more involved for a woman and more dangerous they are and always have been in that role. That is nature and nature is not fair it just is. It isn’t fair that woman has to deal with all the stuff they have to deal with. I do agree that “THE ONE” is flawed thinking. It is. I also agree that unmet, unvoiced, often unconscious expectations are huge issues in modern marriage. I also believe that the concept of “Happily Ever after”. Has done a lot of damage.

      However, when you begin to properly inhabit your masculinity and are chasing your purpose when you invite the right woman on your life adventure to partner with you she will after “approving of you” and finding you worthy submit in trust and support you in public. We are taught impotent masculinity in the church most times and toxic masculinity in the world so we struggle with this concept. It is rarely modeled for us. A woman will have some expectations of you that should go without saying as you will have them of her. She will challenge you as well (I for one wouldn’t want one that didn’t) but if she trusts you and you are trust worthy it will work out (Unless she is crazy and crazy happens).
      Don’t give up man but don’t worry about the woman cause you don’t need a helpmate till you have found your purpose and are moving toward it. Women want to be invited on an adventure. They know they are not the adventure. Do you, Follow God, be committed to making your world a better place and when the time come there will be some one that you just say. Hey, you are perfect lets do this together. Get in touch with the part of yourself that embraces being judged a little bit man. You only get in trouble when you feel like you gotta fake it.

  6. Your view actually strikes me as a feminist one – you are deciding on your own approach. That approach may not be mine or someone else’s, but I’m a feminist and a Christian, and I absolutely believe in your right to decide how to navigate your life and your relationships. I further believe firmly that feminists who judge other women’s choices are misguided. The point is that we have equal opportunity/treatment in society and the freedom to make our own choices, not to tell you how your marriage should work.

    1. One of the core problems with feminism is exactly the opposite: Most actual feminists have a clear preconception of how women should act, and women who do not follow this preconception (notably the ones who actually want to have a traditional role as house-wifes, raising children, …) are frowned upon, berated as being brain-washed by the “Patriarchy”, or similar.

      (I use “actual” above, because most “feminists” have no conception of feminist thought, but follow naive ideas like “feminism means equality” or “I like strong women; ipso facto, I am a feminist”—claims about as correct as “I want people to have a good life; ipso facto, I am a socialist”.

  7. While I wholeheartedly agree that marriage was designed to mirror the relationship between Christ and the Church, to say a woman shouldn’t initiate anything with a man is a bit…unrealistic.

    I have wrestled with this for some time and after seeking counsel from some godly older (read: married) women in my life, I realized that my expectations were too unrealistic. Should a man pursue the woman? Absolutely. I agree that he should. But if we show absolutely no interest in the man, fearful of looking like we are on the pursuit of him, why in the world would he have any inclination that if he asked you on a date you would say yes? The fact of the matter is men are humans with fears and anxieties. If I were in the males shoes, I would be SO afraid of rejection if someone I liked showed no interest in me yet I decided to ask them out anyway.

    A little flirting isn’t pursuing the man. Asking a guy you’re interested in to grab coffee or to study together isn’t pursuing him. It’s just a way of letting him know you’re open to the idea of them. You have to show some interest.

    Look at Ruth. She listened to the counsel of an older godly woman in her life (her mother in law) and went and uncovered Boaz’ feet while he was sleeping to propose to him! Totally unprecedented! And he decided to marry her! So it’s actually biblical to show the man you’re interested in them. At the end of the day it’s still the mans decision whether to pursue the girl or not once she shows some interest and if not, then God is still good!

    It’s just a little unrealistic to think that sitting around and waiting for a guy to notice you and start this huge ordeal of a pursuit of you like you envision is going to happen or that it will happen for every Christian woman. (Not that God CANT make this happen – he is sovereign and you can’t thwart His purposes. You’re going to marry who He has decided you will marry.)

    Just wanted to share another biblical side to a woman “pursuing” the man. And it’s not this worldly feminist idea. It’s right there in the Old Testament.

    1. Whit, totally agree with you. There’s an absolute difference in showing interest and pursuing. I agree that we need to encourage them and help them in knowing if we are interested.

    2. Interesting your bought up Boaz. I was reading in the Genealogy in Mathew of Jesus. Boaz was the sun of Rahab the harlot that let the spies into Jericho. I am a writer so I saw the dramatic implications of this. Do you think he got made fun of for that? Do you think maybe even as a wealthy man that might be why he was still single? Do you think maybe that is why he would have been open to marrying a widow woman as well as able to have compassion on an outsider? He was half Canaanite and his mother was a former harlot. I thought that was interesting.

  8. I love this, and these have been thoughts that have been going through mind too, but I didn’t know how to put them into words. THank you Ashlin! 🙂

  9. Hi. I dont know you, but you rock my socks. This is one of those posts that gets printed out and stuck into my journal for encouragement. Thanks for sharing your feelings

  10. Beautifully written advice! We had created a society of wimps under the guise of Feminism. True submission is not a passive, but active.

  11. I understand that your analogy is that our relationships with men should be similar to Christ’s relationship with the church, but I don’t think you are understanding the relationship Christ has with us. Yes, he is the ultimate pursuer, but we are told to pursue a relationship with him as well. “Draw near to be and I will draw near to you” James says, “Seek me while I my be found” and “Seek me and you will find me, if you search for me with all of your heart” Isaiah says… We are not inactive in our relationship with God. In fact there are times when you may be pursuing God, and he seems not to be answering or listening to you at all. Yet we are called to pursue him… we are called to fight for him. We pursue him as he pursues us. And to me, that sounds like a better recipe for a relationship.

  12. Ashlin,

    I came across this post after a friend posted it on Facebook.

    Much of what you have written represents truths that are all together biblical. So I do not think you have to defend yourself. I appreciate your boldness, guarding your life and doctrine closely.

    I find this post absolutely fascinating for one reason: You are a 21st century young woman saying that you want the type of relationship that American culture, at large, frowns upon. If this post was written by a young man, even in the church, he would be in fear of being chastised.

    Nevertheless, there are young men out there who desire this. For them it is a matter of finding a young woman who desires the same, but the key is in what you have so eloquently stated. Namely, to not be looking for a woman who is simply willing to submit to one’s headship. The word “submit,” by itself, carries so many negative connotations. However when one looks at marital submission through the lens of the Gospel, it takes on beautiful meaning. “…I fell in love with a man, with holes in his hands, who comes, fights for, and purses his bride.”

    This is a hard word for men. Representing Jesus leaves no room for selfishness, laziness, hurt, or sin among other threats to a healthy marriage. Humble men will read what you wrote and realize they will never be able to fully live up to this. That is where it is important that this is not a matter of opinion. It is a Gospel truth. Men can lay down their lives for their wives by the power of the Holy Spirit. This is not a law. This is the most beautiful picture of the Gospel. Therefore there is tremendous room for grace, and you have done well in leaving that. You have not laid down a law. You have expressed your desire for a man who has also fell in love with a God with holes in his hands, who comes, fights for, and pursues him—so much so that he cannot help but lay down his life for his wife.

    There is tremendous freedom in the Gospel, and a proper marriage is a beautiful opportunity to reflect this. When both wife and husband are satisfied in Christ, they need not look to one another to fulfill desires that only God can. Instead, they are freed to love one another, with their most profound needs having been met by Christ.—A man laying down his life for his wife, as Christ loved the church, and a woman submitting to and following her husband as does the bride of Christ.—Not only so, they are instead given a well of grace from which to draw in order to pour out love for one another, meeting one another’s God-given relational desires (1 John 4:19).

    It is beautiful. To finish the thought from earlier, a man ought not look a woman who is simply willing to submit to him. In fact that is not the focus at all. That sounds like an issue of duty. As Piper would say, this is an issue of delight.

    Instead, may single Godly men work on their character, even today. May they lay down their lives for the wives, even today. May they prepare, even today, knowing that one day she will come into view, and he will have the joy of pursing her. And may she find in him a man with holes in his hands. —A man fearful of his ability to fail but confident in the grace of God to sustain him, kill him and raise him to new life in Christ. A man confident in his wife’s gracious heart wrought by the Gospel.

    May young women, prepare today for that suitor by being captivated by the love of Jesus, so satisfied in him that she is able to take a man as her husband and relate to him not because he is perfect, but because Jesus is.

    1. Anthony, I cannot tell you what this comment means to me. Thank you so much. Your words are beautiful and your opinion appreciated more than I could ever say. You have truly blessed me and encouraged me greatly. Thank you for reading!

  13. This is a very passionate, powerful post. I do want to give you a few cautions, though.
    1) A man who is that ‘on fire’ for God will usually follow Paul’s lead and not waste his time with marriage. Marriage is a huge distraction. (Or you’re looking for a pastor, who has generally married young and his faith has only grown over time.)

    2) Do not submit to a man you have not married yet. He has not yet made a commitment to God or you or your community to treat you with the respect and reverence that the Bible demands. The idea of wifely submission is fine, but it is for *within a marriage only*. I cannot stress this enough.

    (Christian women with little relationship experience can end up in quite a lot of trouble here, submitting to a boyfriend who has unreasonable demands, thinking it’s what they’re supposed to do. No.)

  14. This is a really valuable observation and I agree, depending on how far you take it (“pursue” can mean a lot of different things). For the exact reasons you listed, I (as a girl) would never express interest before a guy did, ask a guy out, or propose. But if you mean to say (and I’m not sure whether you do or not) that, as a girl, you should wait for a man to materialize and approach you or that you should display no interest or affection that isn’t first shown to you, I have to disagree. In Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Bingley is persuaded to abandon Jane (temporarily, at least) because she acted indifferently toward him and offered little encouragement. Let’s face it: men can be clueless. Sometimes they need a hint or a sign to give them the confidence to pursue a girl.

  15. Ashlin,

    I think that you have some good things to say here. Yet you want a man to Love you as Christ loves the church Eph.5:25, which is something that every women should look for and every man aspire too. But all that to say is no man will come to the table knowing how to do that. No matter how long they have been a Follower of Christ, no matter if they have read a thousand books on marriage. Because marriage is something that you continuously learn, not something that you know, its a concept that you may have some base knowledge of before you get married, not a fact that you either know or don’t. I think its great and right that you want to follow gods command with regards to being submissive to your future husband. But be weary of placing unrealistic expectations on your future husband. He will fail as Christ never does, there may be times you question his motives which we don’t with Christ, even though your husband loves you as Christ loves the church.

  16. I know you’ve caught a lot of flak over this post, but thank you so much for writing it! There are days that I wonder if I’m the only one left who’s “out there” on this stance on pursuing a man!! You had so many nuggets of wisdom in your post that I’ll tuck away and save to use another day! Thank you again so much!❤

  17. Preface: Before you think I’m an angsty guy who can’t find a woman and is whining about the “too-high” standards of women… (A.K.A. the typical dissenting poster on an article like this one). I’ve been married for 10 years, have two kids and am a marriage counselor.

    I just found this article shared on Facebook by a woman who is in the middle of a divorce. (P.S. I didn’t counsel them)

    Everyone was commenting ‘You go girl’ and ‘Ya, wait for a guy that loves you like Jesus’.

    But I know both soon-to-be-ex-spouses well and if the man had read Ashlin’s post and the woman had read Blupin’s comment… I think they might still be together and Christ would be glorified.

    YES, men need to lead and love and care for their wives. They need to rely on the strength and grace of God to love their wives in the impossible way that Christ loves the church.

    AND women need to do those SAME things for their husbands (in their complementary ways)*
    *that last part depends a bit on your theology

    I don’t think you believe this, Ashlin, but many Christian women seem to believe that finding the ‘right’ man gives them a free pass on bringing something to the table in the relationship. There’s this silly cultural notion that men (Prince Charming) should be an unending fountain of love and adoration that women (Princess… Elsa?) drinks from.

    But life isn’t like that and marriage isn’t like that.

    Everything (good) in life takes work. Lots of it. Work that is often not fun or exciting…

    So… an inconvenient truth:
    Finding the ‘right’ man doesn’t mean you’ll wake up every day super happy and be showered with love notes and breakfast in bed and your car filled with gas. And it also doesn’t mean that he’s always going to be kind and gracious and patient. He will sin just like you.

    Women, your worth is not in how much a man values you, but in how Christ ultimately values you. And because you’re so highly valued in Christ, you definitely shouldn’t just marry some scrub. But you also are free from having to find the ‘perfect’ man, because God in his grace has already given that to you.

    A strong man might hold up under the crushing weight of being your perfect fulfillment for a few years, but he will eventually crack…

    So, in short:
    Love Jesus. Love your spouse. Give each other the grace that God has freely given to you.

    Don’t ‘lower your standards’, but pray and do some soul searching and make sure you’re not asking for more than you are willing to give.

  18. Hi Ashlin,
    As a Christian and a feminist, I can say that you have the right approach in how you wrote this blog! Your opinion is your own, and you’re not telling other women that’s how they should live their life – that is the EXACT point of feminism: the choice to live your life how you want to, and to not be criticised for it. I think this is wonderfully written, and while I may not agree with everything you say, I do respect your opinion. Wonderful writing, and I will be subscribing to this blog! Livvi xx

  19. Thank you.Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
    Reading this gave me the little encouragement that if I’m crazy for believing this, then atlas I am not alone. 🙂 Thank you.

  20. Ashlin, thank you for sharing the TRUTH! This is such an amazing post and one that I will be sharing with the girls that I am mentoring. Thank you for putting this into words that we were all trying to say! So beautifully eloquent and full of grace.


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