Silence. It’s the only thing I’ve heard since the news came. Even when people are speaking to me, I’ve been able to hear nothing but the deepest silence.
I’m waiting for that moment that happens when you’re changing altitude, your ears suddenly pop and you can hear again. I keep wondering, “what if it never comes?” and then I think of the people who are even more greatly affected than I by Paige’s transition to Heaven and am somehow grateful of a grief that can express itself through silence. Because sometimes words just don’t carry enough weight to express the impact of such a passionate and fearless life.
And then in the stillness, a memory will come. You’ll think of being in the sixth grade, nervous and wondering how you’re going to fare at a new school and how you walked in the gym to see the most lively child on earth belting the Relient K song “Sadie Hawkins Dance” from the bleachers and how you were instantly relieved. And it makes you smile at how one person can affect an atmosphere. How in a room full of nervous kids, fear was swallowed up in laughter.
Then you’re instantly inspired by how you always felt loved within her presence. How every single time you came in contact she wrapped you in a huge hug and said “i love you so much”. But then you stop and feel something like disappointment and injustice rise in you. And immediately, you must command yourself to not think God cruel. You must, in those moments, remind yourself that he is not selfish in her absence on earth…and you breathe again
And then the silence returns.
And somehow in the middle of the mixed up emotions that come of sadness, anger and confusion you start to see something different. And a twinge of holy jealousy comes upon you when you think about what she’s seeing. You realize that she sees the full picture, while we are only left with part. And in that moment, you will be faced with the weight of all the questions about what you believe.
You will be asked to choose whether you believe God is still good.
And when the reality of it all begins to crush your heart, you will be face to face with nothing but God and your silence and you will choose whether or not you raise your hands and declare that He is who He says He is..
and I pray that you do. I pray that I do.
May this life, which was purely genuine inspire you to be the same. May you remember her fierce passion and be reminded that a life of love will always outshine fear. I pray that you are not content to be a mediocre person who says “I love God” but doesn’t live a life that changes the world… because a person who changed every atmosphere she walked into would ask you to let your life be a megaphone for who Jesus is and his heart for people.
My hope in all of this is that we still see God’s goodness and his grace in the middle of this and that in the agony, we rejoice in His suffering and His sacrifice because of what it means for Paige and that because of Him she forever lives.
He is still good.
ASHLIN BOYLES 