You’re Not a “Plan B” Kind of Girl

You deserve better than someone who is afraid to commit to you. It may seem like enough for now. You’re just taking things slow. Oh, how I know those little phrases of “one day” and we just need time.

You believe them.
And I’ve believed them.

But you’re not a “Plan B” kind of girl.

You need to know that you’re not the invisible one standing in the back who gets chosen last.

You’re the girl who the team captain will be frantically hoping doesn’t get picked by someone else before he gets a turn. You’re a first-pick kind of girl, and no one worth having sits back and lets those girls wait around. Because every good man knows that the good ones get gone fast.

He should be jumping out of his skin in anticipation to call out your name and say “I pick you.”

But he’s scared…and I’ve got commitment issues…and we don’t like labels.

And.  And.  And.

Like a fool, I’ve stood there picking at the fabric of my sweater and spinning excuses. I’ve heard them all. I’ve used them all.

He’s been hurt. He’s busy. He’s in school. He doesn’t have a good car. He has Momma issues. His Dad left. His Great Aunt’s second cousin’s puppy just died.

You’re not the kind of girl who needs to make excuses for him.

Good girls shouldn’t and don’t have to finish last.

Honey, you must be at the wrong game and with the wrong players, because you’re not a substitute, average, or second string.

You’re a catch. You are beautiful and funny and fabulous. Rooms light up when you walk in. Heads turn when you giggle and the earth itself adores the kiss of your feet.

You are worthy to be chosen, pursued, adored, loved, respected and informed. This whole “Do we really have to define this thing?” is almost always a delicate way of asking “Will you fill this lonely spot until I decide nothing better is coming along?”

Stop being afraid that you are not worthy enough to be claimed. Stop thinking “I’ll take what I can get. Maybe I will be enough for him one day. Maybe he will be enough for me.”

Don’t even consider the lie that says I can’t set my standards too high, because if I do, I might end up alone.”

Better to be alone than taken for granted. Better to be alone than to be a placeholder.

The one that loves you isn’t afraid to say it. If he cares about you, he won’t even blink because the idea of giving another man the chance to swoop in is just unacceptable.

He will fight and use labels or poems or the Goodyear blimp to show you that you’re just the right fit for that open place in his heart, that no other piece will do.

You should be nobody’s second choice.

He will lose his pride to tell you that you make him nervous and he will spend his heart to find what makes you laugh. He will tell you that you’re worth words and flowers and promises.

And you will believe him, because you’ll see it in the way he watches you walk across a room. You won’t have to question it by analyzing a text message or deciphering the tone of an e-mail. He will drive over on a Tuesday to bring you coffee and you’ll see it in his face and hear it in the way he asks about your day.

Your answer will lie in the memories of nervous beginnings and awkward introductions. You’ll know because the questions didn’t take long to fade. Because he said what he meant and meant what he said. And even when he messed up, he made up.

You’re not his back pocket plan, fill-in girl, or multiple choice answer. You are fierce and a force to be reckoned with and the kind of girl whose beauty calls for hand-written notes, words like “wow” and car rides to the ocean.

Take nothing else and be nothing less.

Be the kind of girl who deserves him and treats him with kindness. Who laughs at his jokes and thanks him when he opens your door. Leave the head games behind you. Encourage him and wear the kinds of dresses that make him respect you. Be the kind of girl who gasps at his surprises and hugs him for his compliments. Be worthy of the kind of man that you deserve and & the man that he was born to be.

Stop waiting for the guy who isn’t sure you’re enough and respect yourself enough to wait for the one that knows you are.


Hey, there’s more!

After a lot of awesome feedback, I’ve written a second article that kind of follows up to this one and is really the reverse side. This article Men Are Not Made For Cages is an encouragement for men. Check it out!

 

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213 thoughts on “You’re Not a “Plan B” Kind of Girl”

  1. “wear the kinds of dresses that make him respect you” and/or stay away from articles that assume there are “plan b kinds of girls” and “non plan b kinds of girls”

    1. I don’t know you, but I’m pretty sure the point this post was trying to make, was that if everyone read it, there would be no such thing as a Plan B kind of girl. It’s a point you seem to have missed. Lighten up. You’re not a Plan B kind of girl. 🙂

    2. Yeah, that’s the only problem that I had with this article. I’m guessing you should never wear a bikini to the pool, because if a short dress is not going to make men “respect” you that surely won’t *sarcasm*….. Really? Terrible ending to an otherwise nice ending

      1. As far as “wearing dresses” that was more of a metaphor, I definitely don’t believe women have to wear dresses, in fact, 6 out of 7 days I’m in a pair of jeans, so I definitely am not implying that wearing a dress makes you a better woman. In a sense, I was just saying dress in a way that portrays who you really are, not what you “think” men want. Don’t dress inappropriately or provocatively just because you THINK that’s what a man wants. I absolutely agree that if he’s a man who truly loves you, he’ll love you if you wear a trash bag or wrap yourself in tin foil.

        ^ I just found this reply to one comment.

  2. When I read through this the first time, something rubbed me the wrong way. When I read through a second time, I realized it was due to all of the ownership language used (“claimed” is a strong example). It seems to paint the picture that girls can be taken by any guy who happens the “pick” them, with little voice of their own. After all, the men are doing the choosing and the women are the ones being chosen, at least, according to this post.

    Then, there is the line “wear the kinds of dresses that make him respect you”. First, it supplies the image that women wear dresses. Second, I should be able to wear whatever I damn well please, and if a guy doesn’t respect me for it, than that’s a sign that he’s not right for me. If i really am a guy’s “first-choice”, as it’s put, then I shouldn’t have to dress to his standards, he should already respect me for being me.

    Overall, a good intention is hidden in this writing, but the writing itself has twisted it into the opposite of what is intended.

    1. Samantha,
      Seriously, I really appreciate your feedback. It’s always good to hear the different perspectives of how someone perceives my writing. I understand your point of view entirely and absolutely respect it. Using the word “claimed” was more in the sense of claiming someone as the person you love, not in a sense of owning them. Also, I can see where the idea of women just being “chosen” and never having a say/opinion could be interpreted from some word choices, but that’s not what I meant at all. However, I do think that’s a common idea in our culture and I disagree with it entirely. I think women have a right to choose what they deserve as well (and what kind of man they want) which is really the point of the post.

      As far as “wearing dresses” that was more of a metaphor, I definitely don’t believe women have to wear dresses, in fact, 6 out of 7 days I’m in a pair of jeans, so I definitely am not implying that wearing a dress makes you a better woman. In a sense, I was just saying dress in a way that portrays who you really are, not what you “think” men want. Don’t dress inappropriately or provocatively just because you THINK that’s what a man wants. I absolutely agree that if he’s a man who truly loves you, he’ll love you if you wear a trash bag or wrap yourself in tin foil.

      Thanks for sharing and know that I didn’t at all seek to offend. I hope this cleared up a few of my thoughts for you. Thanks for giving it a second read and not just completely ruling it out, that says a lot about you and the fact that you’re willing to give others the benefit of the doubt; I greatly appreciate that.

      1. Don’t worry, you didn’t offend my with your post. As I said, I think that there are solid ideas that I definitely agree with in your post, and it is important for both girls and women to understand that they need to be happy with themselves and wait for a guy who can be happy with them just the way they are.

        Sometimes things just come across differently when written down than they do in your thoughts, you know? I find I have that trouble, anyway.

      2. I appreciate women like you two so much, who can so gracefully discuss your differing opinions on a topic that can so easily get heated.

        I also have to say that while Samantha pointed out some things that I also thought while reading, you, Ashlin said some things that hit me right between the eyes. I know the making up excuses for him game all to well, and hearing it from another person refreshes me to know that we aren’t alone in the confusing world or relationships. Your “Will you fill this lonely spot until I decide nothing better is coming along?” statement took my breath away exposing both myself and the truth that I have so many times ignored.

        I thank you and all commenters for the reminder for how precious the role men and women play in each others lives.

      3. I believe that if we respect ourselves we will be respected by thé people we want to care about us. Thank you for a wonderful article. Women have true value. We all need to realize that. You dis an excellent job!

  3. I see what you are getting at with this article here… But you don’t really make any effort to distinguish the difference between somebody who has been strung along for an unreasonable amount of time vs. when somebody is still just getting to know someone else early on by spending more time with them before making a decision to commit. Unless you are specific, I could take from this article that your point could be “I am putting a time limit on how many dates/ how much time you have to get to know me before you should be ready to make a decision to commit” Which at that point you may as well say “You should know whether you are ready to commit to being in a relationship after the first date”
    Make sense?

    1. Absolutely! I understand that entirely and agree. Things take time and it was definitely intended for those who have been led on for an unreasonable amount of time. Thanks for the feedback!

  4. I thought this was a great article except for one point. If I may, as a guy, the wording for “You should be no one’s second choice” doesn’t quite mesh with the paragraphs underneath it. I completely understand and agree with what you were saying once I read those following paragraphs, but the first thing that popped into my head when I read that heading, was that there are plenty of people who have been someone’s eventual “second choice” because their “first choice” rejected them, etc. Could I assume that you were saying that in the context of some guy having the girl be his second choice while still dating his first choice? I.E. she’s the “back-up” girl?

    1. I let myself be a guy’s second choice once. He told me if I did _____, _____, and _______ he would date me. Something always came up. We got along well, I’m attractive, and he approached me in the first place. But he always had some excuse. And then he met my roommate. They were dating within the week. And I understood that I never had a chance. I was not his first choice. By chasing him, I was letting myself be a Plan B kind of girl. There’s a difference between “the girl you WOULD date if you WEREN’T in a relationship” and “the girl you would ONLY date if you ran out of options.” And no girl should be content with that. We are all worth more than that.

  5. I really love and admire the time you spend replying to people and validifying their opinions, and also explaining your point of view in a mature and humble way. I thought that this was absolutely beautiful and love your heart behind this. You are going to influence so many people with your writing! I know that everyone has different opinions and mindsets but you have a gift to break through those barriers and show people something beautiful! Keep it up! xx

    1. Wow. Thank you so much, that is so encouraging and just what I needed to read tonight. Perfect timing! Seriously, you made my night. And thanks for following my blog!

  6. “‘Cause every good man knows that the good ones get gone fast.”
    This thing depends, in some cases: a good person might also come with a “good” standards.

    Regardless, ditto on this topic.

  7. Not every girl deserves to be “picked first”. We girls get told too often that we’re already beautiful and worthy and deserving of whatever we want. Maybe we focused more on self discipline, self control, character building, and morality, then we’d already have the strength, courage, independence, and wisdom to actually be the first pick girl. Just because someone tells you to be something or you want to be something doesn’t mean you’ve suddenly changed. You’ve got to earn it.

    1. I think that’s where I was going with the portion that started with “Be the kind of girl who deserves him and treats him with kindness.” I think in order to not be a “back-up plan” kind of girl, you’ve got to be someone with some strong character and I think some of that comes with knowing your worth and identity.

    2. You might deserve to be picked first, but that doesn’t mean you should be content to follow him around until he picks you.

  8. Reblogged this on Just one cowgirl's thoughts and commented:
    This is so true, you are not a plan B kinda of girl. Guys don’t have to shower you with gifts all of the time just at special moments or just because they can. I don’t believe it should be expected nor anything should stand in your way if you want to be with someone. Make it happen as in We Bought a Zoo ” You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” Take risks, take chances and remember everything happens for a reason.

  9. I wish I could believe this, but I’m not the kind of girl that a team captain of anything would want. I’m fat, a size 18 on a good day to be exact, and no guy wants a fat girl for a girlfriend. Trust me I would know. In a society that values prim and properly thin bodies, I can’t compete. I’m not amazing or astounding and I’m sure as hell never going to take anyone’s breath away, it’s just not in the cards for me. I appreciate what you’re trying to do I just can’t seem to believe it for myself.

    1. Elyse,
      The truth is, I know a lot of girls who aren’t considered “thin” and they’ve ended up with amazing, wonderful (and gorgeous) guys. I’ve seen people question “Oh, wow…why would he ever choose her?” And then you sit down to dinner with her and realize that not only is she fantastic, hilarious, wonderful; but she is also beautiful. I wish I could sit you down to dinner with these couples because the truth is.. there are people out there who value far more than a thin body and my prayer is that you start stumbling across them often.

    2. Elyse,

      The guys worth having are the ones who realize there’s a real, vulnerable person inside that body, whatever its shape, and take the time to get to know YOU before deciding your not their type.

      I don’t know you, but I know this…you are wonderfully unique and infinitely valuable. That’s the way God made you. And whatever happens for romantically in your future, I pray, like Ashlin said, that you’ll run into some people who will show you that.

    3. Elyse,

      I can appreciate where you are coming from because I used to feel exactly the way that you do right now. “I’m fat, a size 18, and no one would want to pick me to be their girlfriend.” But somebody did. Somebody looked over the bulky case that I carry my body around in and saw the good and great in me. He didn’t appear in an instant. I waited for a while before he was able to find me. But the wait was so worth it!

      I’m still fat. I’m still a size 18. The difference is that I am now someone’s girlfriend 🙂

      Don’t lose hope Elyse. Your time will come. You never know, the man that will have YOU as his first choice might just be around the corner.

    4. Well I was treated as Mrs Plan B for a long time.. I owned my own business, successful financially, I was a size 6. and met all the criteria.. and well Mr Right wasn’t in the picture.. One day after yet another break up or break away I don’t remember exactly what I remember is this. I was driving through this neighborhood to go to an appointment.. There was a woman in a wheelchair who was close to 300lbs or more .. She had a little boy running to her and a man who I assumed was her husband and he looked at her with the most adoring eyes I had ever seen.. You see She had her Mr Right.. and she was adored. Size isn’t it, your abilities aren’t it, YOU are worthwhile.. and You are loved and you deserved to be adored by Your Mr Right. You aren’t going to meet him if you keep dealing with Mr Right-now. Well my story is I got Saved.. and Jesus changed me and showed me that He loved me and that I am wonderfully made.. and Then I met My Mr Right.. and nearly 13 yrs later He adores me still.. and I cherish everyday with him. It is time that we turn off the bill of goods we have been sold..Because you are wonderfully made and You do deserve to be loved.

    5. I realize this post is a couple of years old, but just in case someone needs this, here it is: At this summer’s residency for my MFA program, a brilliant classmate gave a lecture on fatness in young adult literature. She spoke from her perspective as a fat girl. She pointed out two flaws of many novels that attempt to empower fat girls. The first flaw is having the main character realize that her fatness is indicative of a psychological disorder and results in that character taking successful steps to resolve the disorder and get thin. The second flaw is having a fat main character find love and friendship IN SPITE OF her fatness. Both of these are problematic ideas, because they feed into the notion that fatness is bad. My classmate persuasively argued that “fat” is an adjective that is not inherently bad or negative, despite what twentieth and twenty-first century American marketing committees like to make us believe. She listed several novels that feature fat female protagonists who are portrayed as beautiful and loved and awesome BECAUSE they are fat (“Dumpin'”, “Gabi: A Girl In Pieces”, “Peas & Carrots”) and some other books that portray fat girls who are simply awesome and their fatness is merely a fact and not a hindrance (“This One Summer” and “In Real Life”). Fat doesn’t mean ugly. You can be both fat and beautiful, and shame on society for making you believe otherwise. God created you, INCLUDING your body, and he saw that it was good.

      Maybe you won’t meet a man who appreciates all of you (what guarantee do any of us have for that, really? Life isn’t a Disney movie). But I sincerely hope that you find life friends who love you on a deep level and care about your perspective, because what you have to think and say are valuable. I also hope you take Ashlin’s article to heart. You are not subpar; you are the real deal, and you deserve people in your life who know this about you.

  10. Ouch. And yes yes yes. and Thank you.
    Much harder to actually apply than to recognize though. But thanks for the first baby steps. Some of that was a slap in the face, and some of it was really affirming that I’m not the only girl that does this (or has this pattern). I’ve been thinking about this a lot this month, so this was really timely. Thanks for the honesty.

  11. Where do I begin? I saw this article on a friend’s page on Facebook and I must admit that it was something I needed to read TODAY! A friend of mine (a guy) keeps asking me about another guy who I continue to make excuses for. Why do I do that? I don’t know I think it’s because in the fairytale I’ve made up in my head he is the only guy for me and I don’t give myself enough credit for who I really am. I am not a plan B girl. I am all of the things you described and deep down I know that, I just need to find a way to see that when I am looking in the mirror each day. Your words slapped me with a truth that I’ve know but did not want to hear and I speechless. Of course you are going to get critcism because everyone doesn’t look at all the sides of a spectrum and can only look at issues from their point of view. I like how you are open in your writing and can see how people could have interpreted things another way. So with all that being said let me just say thank you. I am going to print this out and place it in my journal so I can go back and read these words often. You did an amazing job of telling women to embrace who they are and to not settle for being the runner up when you can be someone else’s first prize! Thanks again!

  12. as a man, i can totally respect this article. my girlfriend posted this on her facebook during a very rough time in our relationship. we have been dating for about a year and honestly, havn’t faught much but in the last few weeks, that changed because of stress i had been under. thank you for reminding me that she’s not a plan b kind of girl. she’s an amazing woman, who deserves to be treated as such 🙂

  13. I’ve been happily married for almost a year (3 more days until our anniversary!) to a man who made me a priority, as I did for him. Before him I was in a year long “thing” with a guy that was like dating but not quite like dating and no one was ever sure what was going on, but I was always too scared to push the issue. I wish I could have read this back then because it said SO many things I needed to hear! That guy did in fact apologize to me not too long ago for that whole back and forth we had, which proves that it is not only “sleezy” guys who are guilty of keeping back pockets girls! This guy of mine was very sweet and genuine which made it easier to justify, but for any in a similar situation, just because a guy is nice doesn’t make this ok. I eventually ended things and we remained good friends, and a month later started dating my husband! So in my situation having the guts to stand up for myself and end a “going no where” relationship really paid off. I’ve heard this same kind of story from so many girls and hope even a few can see what you’ve written and gain the courage needed to break off those silly kinds of relationships and invest in something real! Sorry for the novel, this just really rang true.

  14. Reblogged this on betweendreamsandrealityy and commented:
    I’ve been seeing this post on my Facebook news feed for so long, my friends shared it many times but I opened it once but I only read the first part and got bored. Then I got the time to read it and just wow, it hella reminded me that I am worth the wait =)

  15. Reblogged this on Grace on Tuesdays and commented:
    Ok, so I just ran across this tonight in my half-hearted Facebook home page scroll-a-thon. And it’s good. And it’s true. Because it is. Dedicated to all the fierce single ladies I know, whose hearts are nothing less than gold. You’re worth it.

  16. Reblogged this on firechronicles and commented:
    Dear ladies, (and you men who read my blog), I came across this wonderful entry by Ashlin and I gladly share it with you.

    Three weeks ago, I started dating Tobie — the first serious relationship in my life. It’s been equally challenging and rewarding, and God has been teaching and guiding me through much of it.
    If you read through some of my earliest blogs from 2012, you’ll notice that many of them share my testimonies on dating, waiting and marriage. I’ve been praying for my Future Husband since 2004, and now, after 10 years, I’ve found (or rather, he found me) a man that shares my love for God, my dreams and hopes.
    Being in a relationship is one part finding a person you like and nine parts becoming the right person for them.

    I hope you find this shared post insightful. Ultimately — God is true to His word and He never goes back on His promises. Don’t give up hope.

    Love in Christ,
    Cornelia

  17. Reblogged this on The Wanderfull Life and commented:
    “Be the kind of girl who deserves him and treats him with kindness. Who laughs at his jokes and thanks him when he opens your door. Leave the head games behind you. Encourage him and wear the kinds of dresses that make him respect you. Be the kind of girl who gasps at his surprises and hugs him for his compliments. Be worthy of the kind of man that you deserve and & the man that he was born to be.”

  18. Otherwiso am the second choice. He’s first choice is taking care of his ill grandmother. yes sometimes I do feel I’m being strung along feeling like sex is just what he wants from me. but he said otherwise. timing isn’t right for us right now he doesn’t know how to stand up for himself . his family depends on him. He does not like what he’s doing but he has to. should I hold on or move oN?

    1. Maria,
      I think it’s a good thing that he is helping to take care of his grandmother, but that does not mean that he has to string you along. If he doesn’t have time to care for your heart at this point in his life, I would consider taking a break until things change for him. Relationships are also about helping each other through hard times and if he doesn’t have room for you to be there for him through this situation, you cannot force that.

      In your heart, you know whether or not this guy deserves your time. We all have circumstances that create difficulties in our relationships. But you know him and you know his heart, and only you can decide whether or not he is the kind of man that you want to be with.

  19. I needed this today. It had been coming for a while, I just broke up with my first boyfriend last night, and I was just that to him, a plan B. But what is more, he was just that to me, and he deserves better as well. So I think this goes both ways. You shouldn’t enter a relationship thinking that you will date him unless someone better comes along. And I didn’t, but neither did I discontinue the relationship when I knew it wasn’t working. I think it is important to have patience in the beginning stages of a relationship, but you should also have honesty if you don’t think things are going to work out.

    I think I’m going to print this out or paint this on a canvas or something to make myself remember this whenever I start any new relationship.

    1. Sometimes you’re a guy’s second choice because you won’t date the guys who would make you their first choice. I hear what you’re saying, Ashlin, but maybe a follow-up article is in order. A lot of women, men–make that PEOPLE–don’t go for the qualities they say/think they want. They want commitment? Okay. But their actions say they just want someone who makes them feel special, who strings them along, who’s out of their league. They get so high on the feeling of “kinda” having someone they don’t deserve, that they settle for being the backup girl over and over again. ‘Cause the actual stable, nice, guy doesn’t give them “butterflies” or have that “spark” that they feel when the hot jerky guy messes with their head.

      Commitment and stability are two great virtues that also happen to be a bit dull sometimes. Choosing committal guys also means CHOOSING to be a little less flitter fluttery head-over-heels in your relationship. Can’t have your cake and eat it too! Eventually you’ll have to pick which one you like better, the butterflies or the stability!

      1. That’s an interesting thought. I think some of those ideas are definitely worth talking about. I agree that commitment and stability are two of the key characteristics in a mate, but I don’t think that necessarily means that it has to be dull. But thanks for your feedback, I’ll take those thoughts into consideration!

  20. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half and we’ve lived together pretty much the entire relationship besides maybe just 2 or 3 months. I love him with all my heart and soul but if I’m being honest with everybody and myself, he doesn’t treat me right sometimes. But other times he treats me to well, ill feel like I don’t deserve it sometimes because of how low me makes me feel when it’s bad. He’s been my best friend for a very long time now and I don’t know what I’d do without him in my life. He pretty much saved me almost 2 years ago and he’s my hero, and my life. But I will not put up with being treated like this. It’s that same old “oh baby I didn’t mean to say that I’m sorry! It’ll never happen again'” “I’m gonna work on that to fix us” “I’m so sorry I’m gonna change!” Stuff that never ends up happening and just keeps getting repeated after every fight. Now I really don’t want to leave this man, he’s actually proposed and we’ve been talking and planning a wedding but I’m starting to catch myself wondering if I really wanna spend the rest of my life feeling amazing about myself (thanks to his kind words) or feeling so low like I don’t deserve to breathe human air? (thanks to his words also but not kind) I need advice and this is to anyone that will give their opinion but please do not judge me. He’s my best friend and I hoped my soul mate too and it kills me to question something like this when I love him with everything in me. He works hard to provide for himself and I and our dog and I try to show him how much I appreciate it by having food waiting and hot when he gets home, a clean house, and rub the leg he received surgery on and finished healing almost 8 months ago. I also tell him how much I appreciate it and how he’s the best thing that happened to me and how much I love him. Every night I say it to him at least once and he loves it. We both want to start a family but I won’t even think about kids until I know this will last. I want nothing more than to spend my life with him, but I just really need him to realize what he has been doing to me lately when he screams and yells at me for nothing. Especially when I’ve been trying harder on making him happy then literally anything in my whole life. I cook clean and take care of him in almost every which way a woman is supposed to(I’m old fashioned like that, men work and women need to take care of their men) for the feminists who will give me crap for that, that’s just how i was raised and how I feel it should be in my family but if you want to go to school and get a high paying job and all that more power to you. What I’m good at in life is taking care of my man and making sure he’s happy but I’m starting to just really feel like if he’s not gonna change I need to possibly leave and either give him time to see what it’s like without me or to find someone who will see all that I do and show me he appreciates it not just saying it either. We’ve already used closer to 2 years of each others lives and I don’t want to waste anymore time if its boy supposed to last. I wanna give him a chance to be happy too especially if he feels like I do right now. And that at this moment: depressed, un-appreciated, and pathetic. Pathetic for putting up with EVERY thing he’s pulled on me that quite honestly excuse my language but its bull crap and I know a lot of men that would kill for someone who cooks and cleans and gives every bit of their heart in a relationship and I’ve talked to them about it and how many girls have screwed them over and I keep trying to put that in front of my guys eyes. He can lose me and someone could find me and not want to give me back. I need him to treat me better does anybody have any advice on what I should do? It’s breaking me into pieces trying to figure it out. Thank you for reading this long long post and your feedback if you give it. Have a nice day everyone and anyone look forward to seeing your replies (hopefully)

    1. Cheyenne,
      Wow. Thank you so much for being so open about your life and what you’re going through. It seems like you’ve got a lot to think about.

      The only advice I can offer is that you do what is BEST for both of you. Whatever choice you make, choose that which will bring the most joy, peace, love, and happiness for you both. At the end of the day, you know in your heart whether or not you really want to spend forever with this man. You know him and you know whether or not he has the kind of heart that is worthy of marriage and of lifelong commitment.

      One thing I will say is that no one should make you feel inferior or unworthy. Especially if you have done nothing to provoke him. If he’s putting you down, I think you should be honest with him about how it hurts you and let him know that it’s not something you’re willing to accept. Tell him that you value yourself and that you’re not willing to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you with not ONLY their actions, but ALSO their words.

      My heart is with you, girl. I’m hoping the best for both of you. Follow your heart and trust your gut.

    2. Perfectly said!! Great job. Every single girl should read this.

      If you are already questioning your relationship with your boyfriend that should tell you. We you get married relationships are tested even more. Hope that helps. I think you deserve more. If he has already said he would try and it hasn’t happened instead it continues to repeat over and over. Think seriously about marriage before you jump into it.

    3. Cheyenne,
      I also have been raised with the “wifely standards” you described. But I am willing to bet you put all your effort, emotion, and pride into him and are disappointed when he doesn’t return the same. The thing is you are spending all your time convincing him you don’t deserve him, you will be there regardless of what he does, or how he treats you. He knows you have your boundaries but he stops just short of them. My advice is this, don’t face the issue of do I leave him or stay….simply start putting HALF your attention into yourself. I know it sounds crazy and useless but think of it this way, you are a large container of water. Each time you compliment him or give him attention you use a little water. If you don’t take the time to replenish yourself eventually you are used up and empty and have nothing left to give. You need to let dinner be late tonight because you have a painting class or whatever you like to do. All his friends say how great you are….because they don’t have it. Let’s be honest, in order to truly love someone you have to respect them. The catch 22 is how can you respect someone if they have little reguard for themselves. Hope this helps.
      Someone who’s been in your shoes.

  21. Thank you for this sweet, sweet post. Your words have given me the assurance and bravery to walk away from a man that has put me in the “Plan B” spot. Thank you for that. God bless you!

  22. Thank you for making this post. I’ve been hooked on a guy for far too long and waiting for him to decide he loves me when I know he never will. However, today I was approached by a very sweet guy who gave me his phone number. I’m going to try to move on and perhaps fall in love with some one deserving of me. This post is very encouraging and empowering. Thank you.

  23. Thank you for these words. They have touched me so greatly and truly changed my life. You have inspired in me a hope once again that God has good plans for my life and I must be patient and trust! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

  24. Reblogged this on stumbles4christ and commented:
    Yes ladies yes! And parts of this apply to the fellas as well. If someone, male or female, is crazy about someone they don’t play games, or hard to get, or keep you guessing. Hold out for the fantastic, wonderful relationship that God has planned for you!

  25. “You’re a catch. You are beautiful and funny and fabulous. Rooms light up when you walk in. Heads turn when you giggle and the earth itself adores the kiss of your feet.”

    I’m not sure how that’s supposed to apply to every girl reading this article… I mean, what if a total b***h is reading this and so now she’s like “You know what? I AM a catch!” Yeah, no… While it’s full of generic, empty compliments and “encouragement”, this article doesn’t take into account that some people deserve to be the Plan B.

    The world is not flat. There are people who are wrong on both sides, and this article laughs in the face of the real advice that people need.

  26. “You are worthy to be chosen, pursued, adored, loved, respected….”
    There are men worthy of being chosen, pursued, adored, loved, and respected as well.

  27. This was just perfect timing! I have often asked the universe ‘where is he?’ or ‘when will he come?’ as being single can sometimes become very lonely. Yet, when the opportunity arose if I wanted to settle for something that was ‘it will do’, I couldn’t bring myself to go for second best. And I’m glad that I didn’t. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have met the man who makes me feel that I’m the most precious girl in the world.

    Keep on writing and inspiring Ashlin! Your words are amazing

  28. WOW! I am so thankful for this post! If there is anything I wish women would hear today it is this! I was the extremely insecure high schooler who got engaged to my high school sweet heart our senior year. But thankfully God woke me up to the fact that I didn’t want to always be cleaning up after or worrying about where my “using” husband was. This was not “His best” for me. In college I dated a guy who was awesome and hot, but more worried about himself than me! We had so much fun and were great together, but again, I just always felt like I was in the back ground. Following college I became the career woman who’s father made it very clear that my standards were too high and I would never got married. But I waited…I prayed (specifically) and I waited. Today, I am a cherished woman, married to the man of my dreams for almost 10 years now, and blessed with 3 fabulous “monkeys.” He doesn’t put up with me…he didn’t settle…he reminds me all the time that he is so blessed to get to share this life with me. I was 27, when we married, and at that point I was starting to believe that I was going to be single forever, but that wasn’t God’s best for me. Spend time in your single life growing & learning, experiencing new sights, flavors, and sounds….travel. Spend time becoming more and more like your Savior….for that is what makes us the most admirable and beautiful! Hang in there girls…the right man will not be able to go on in this life without you!

    1. Unless he did this all the time, that seems a little drastic. Perhaps he seriously had something else going on.

  29. Thank you! This is everything I needed to hear. All I’ve done is defend him when he hasn’t been man enough to take a chance & admit his feelings. Upon reading this I realized… I am the daughter of the risen King & I deserve no less than a bold knight who will defend my dignity by being honest with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I will definitely share this with the teens in my youth group,

  30. I just wanted to leave a comment and tell you this post meant a lot to me. It came across my Facebook feed and now I keep it book marked for whenever I’m struggling. Thank you!

  31. This is a good, inspiring article. I am a guy who has actually been in the same position. I’ve always been the one who was strongly committed and wanted the dating to progress to marriage. But all my past girlfriends either got “bored” with me, used me, or they were afraid to committ.

    I’m 24, still single, but I’m in a transitional period of my life. I’m finishing an internship and going to be looking for full time jobs when the internship is over. Hopefully (SURELY) once I get established in a full time job, I will start to find women in my age range who are mature enough to be LOOKING for a husband and not play games with my wallet and my heart.

    1. Josh,
      That’s awesome. Thanks so much for sharing. You absolutely should look for that kind of girl and you are definitely worthy of someone who wants a commitment and chooses to love you for your heart, not for anything else.

  32. I know this is a rather old post, but my friend sent it to me today and it was exactly what I needed. It is a great way to look at the world and I’m really happy I ran into your article.

  33. Am I the only one that cried reading this??? Its like straight from my heart on what I’ve been wanting to say for so many years….so very well written,said, and laid out. thank you for saying what I could never find the words to say!! Beautiful and perfect

  34. I read this a couple times a week. I send it to my friends. I post about it. It’s one of my all-time favorite blog posts because it hits so close to home and it makes me feel fantastic about myself despite the silly dating situations I always seem to get myself into. You have a beautiful way with words. Thank you for inspiring me to stop giving in to these men who don’t see how wonderful I really am.

  35. Sitting here openly weeping…. this is just what I needed. After an already tough year of losing my precious, beautiful mom to cancer, I had my (what I thought was forever) relationship end suddenly and coldly a month later. I’ve been going over the whys, hows, what did I dos, what could I have dones, etc. I’ve questioned the “why is this happening now,” “how could it all happen now,” so many times now that it’s embedded in my brain. I am emotionally exhausted for many reasons. But this…. has brought me some kind of hope and light that I desperately need right now. I will be printing this out and cherishing it. Thank you, Ashlin, for being a saving grace to a complete stranger. Hugs and best wishes to you and all your followers…

  36. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook last week, one day after I had the dreaded “so, where are we” conversation with the guy I had been dating for two months. Since his response was “I’m happy with the way things are. I’m in a selfish phase right now,” it was good to read this to remind myself that while he’s OK with it, I’m not and it’s time to move on, even though I’m crazy about him. I’ve ended up in this situation on more than one occasion, although I’m not sure how. But no matter. I’d prefer ending up a crazy cat lady to being strung along by someone until they feel it’s the “right time” or find what they think is “something better.” Thank you for this. It came at just the right time!

  37. Better yet, respect yourself enough not to wait for a man. Respect yourself enough to realize you don’t need a man to VALIDATE you. Realize that you don’t have to be “worthy” of anyone but your own self; others have to be worthy enough of YOU. Realize that you need to make YOU the most important thing in your life, and that you are sharing it with him by your own choice, and not because he’s a man and you need a man. Stop thinking in terms of “being picked” and start thinking in terms of “choosing him.”

  38. This made me tear up a little, which is unusual for me. I just got out of a situation less than a week ago in which I was definitely a “Plan B girl” and I could not have found this at a more perfect time. Thank you for writing this.

  39. This post is really helping me get through a very abrupt, dirty, unexpected breakup. I recently found out my boyfriend of the past 3 months has a wife and 3 kids, one if which was born during the tenure of our relationship. I always found myself making excuses for him as to my knowledge he was working 3 jobs. Now I know he is a sociopath and a liar and a cheat. This post is helping me mend my broken heart. Thank you for the inspiring words

  40. Thank you so much for this!!! it is amazing, and what every girl in the world needs to hear. God always has a plan, and if it is in his plan, He will send the perfect guy for you.
    P.S. I know this is a little late for this post, but I just found this:)

  41. Ashlin, thank you for sharing your lovely thoughts. This article came into life at a perfect time and is such a great reminder! I was deeply encouraged, keep up the amazing work. 🙂

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  43. Reblogged this on {thegrandlifeadventure} and commented:
    This is a posting I have adored for so long. It seems fitting for this new season of life. My heart is hurt, but I have faith that this is not forever and that God knows the desires of my heart. Praying for the others involved, that hearts would be made whole and fully repaired. Also, for God’s glory to shine through during this storm.

  44. I’ve been on that situation and all you said was right… I definitely deserve better, I will never be anyone’s second choice. Been blinded in the illusion that he will stand for his words, but unfortunately I was wrong. Thanks for the mind-opening words from you.

  45. I’ve read this about five times now, and each time I cry harder than the last. I’m that girl. The girl who allowed herself to be a backup plan….that never happened. Thank you for writing this. Each time I’m tempted to send one innocent text, I read this and rebuild myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing such beautiful words. Now I’m off to read it for the sixth time. x

  46. Your article was sent to me my sophomore year of high school and wrecked my heart. As I’m heading into my sophomore year of college your words continue to hit my heart with a bowling ball. I shared your article with my high school junior girls small group. Thanks for sharing.

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